I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
