Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
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