I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
