apparently the secret to your success is patron
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
