I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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