shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
