I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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