So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
