Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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