No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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