On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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