I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you didnt know i had herpes?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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