I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Randomize
