Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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