i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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