all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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