I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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