I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize