Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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