Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
