so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
