Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
