Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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