Will you blow on my dice?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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