I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
