So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Randomize
