there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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