I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The adults are the big ones right?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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