: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
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