These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
