can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
