new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
