I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
4 words: hood of his car
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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