Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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