lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
