The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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