Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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