Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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