every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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