You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
