i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
