Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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