He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
