Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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