Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
