either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
