It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
