in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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