I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
