I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
