I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
So vagazzling was a success
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
