Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
50% drunk capacity currently
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
