It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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