I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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