Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
