who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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