Apparently you make a good broom.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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