now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
