i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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