I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
