Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
