Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
A+ Viking dick
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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